ponderings.

as i pondered my vain existence today during isolation, God reminded me of a gem of writing i did a few years back and it really applies to today's mundane purposelessness that overwhelms me today. 

[so i'm cheating and sharing an old piece of writing today] 

while writing this piece i had just gotten out of the psychiatric high acuity unit or the locked wards at the hospital. i was in a desperate place and nothing inside of me matched the words that came out of me.

read for yourself, this is how God answers when you ask Him why He wants you to live.



God says:

First of all my daughter clear all preconceptions and all of the fog and haze that you have allowed to fill your mind up with. Refresh and open your mind to allow My Spirit to fill it. I long to give you a whole new outlook on your life. The scope that you view your life is but a gain of sand in the vast ocean in the grand scheme of your life.

My love, climb up into My arms and rest your chin on My shoulders. Now open your eyes! See the thousands that stand in front of us? Each one of them are standing here because you said yes to living. That moment that you said 'I trust You and that is enough.' That was the instant you became the women I destined you to be.

You fought valiantly and I know the days got harder and longer. But you continued to declare that I was enough and kept trekking on. You climbed over unclimbable mountains, you swam distances that people still stand astonished.

Nikita, my darling, I cannot even begin to express the love I have for you. My love, My words and My desires for you are immeasurable. The first word that comes to Me when I think of you My dear is strength. You have been strong enough to face all that your journey has entailed. I have set fourth before you a course that I have dare trusted to only a few. A course which will require every single bit of strength and knowledge you have within you Nikita.

You were created from birth to be a warrior. That is why I need you to live. Nikita I have called you into the darkest of places so that through you My life will radiate to those who were so entrenched in darkness. I need you My daughter, because I have placed within you the determination, passion and confidence to move entire nations.

The kindness, empathy, and compassion that flow out of you is the direct flow from me. When you love people, you love them unabandoned; exactly if I were on earth how I'd love My children. That is why I need you to keep living Nikita.

I already see the thousands that you will love into My Kingdom. I urge you to see past your present circumstances: because the future I see and have for you; here in Heaven, the angels and I are already rejoicing in gladness of the fruit your life brings.

Nikita my heart aches along with you right now. I understand the depth and loneliness of your pain. Simply look up and see My hand reaching down to you. You cannot end your life Nikita. Even in your current state the atmosphere changes when you walk into a room because the love you have for Me is so deep.

Please My baby girl fight, I can fill up thousands of pages of my love and plans I have for you. Trust me, take my hand and let's walk this life together; through every high and low.

Together we've got this.